brads_requiem (brads_requiem) wrote,

81 weeks ago.

the last time i posted here was 81 weeks ago. over a year and a half to be precise. i tried out another journal, but just couldn't get in the mood for posting. frankly i don't think i will ever get back into it. at least not the way i once was, with a journal entry a day, or more. but i felt like writing some things down here today. some things that have been bothering me.

choice is such a odd word. choosing, and selecting, and choice. decisions go hand and hand with choice, but i've never been very good at decisions. which also means i've never been very good at choice. lately i've been looking around, at alot of things, knowing that the decisions i've made have failed me in big ways. you get caught up in your choice, and you want to believe you are doing the right thing. you defend and justify your actions with ever breath you take. and then one day you take the good hard look you have been failing to do and see that you're miserable.

long before i started school, over a cup of coffee at eat n' park i spoke of school. and how it was simply not the place for me. i honestly believe that is true now. i've completed two and half years of a psych degree that i have no clue what i'm going to do with. i haven't even considered my possibilities, let alone looked.

the economy in recent times is another troubling aspect of the world we are about to venture out into. the news delivers somber news every day about the dow, about companies going under, about the value of our money, about the number of layoffs. it's like vietnam without all the death. my own dad, investor extradanaire tells me that he knows of no safe place to put money. although he remains optimistic, and is far from broke, his own puzzlement only fuels mine.

but, back to school. it's not regret over going to school. in unbelievable ways school has only opened my eyes. public education is designed to produce good hard working american citizens. liberal education degrees teach us to think, and not accept everything that is handed to us. but i wonder, in a corporate world in which we live, how can thinking be respected and condoned. where can i make a mark? that's really the question i've been struggling to answer. how can i be of use to people, when everything is about money, profit, and the bottom line.

school has taught me lots of things. psychology, sociology, literature, philosophy, film. i feel more wholesome and i am in a place that i would not be without school, but at the same time i'm never going to cure disease, or be an economist. i'm never going to be a politician, or a social worker. i'll never be middle or upper management at a company, and i am never going to be a psychologist. sitting in a cubicle is about as fun as watching paint dry, working in retail is about as exciting as watching the olympics. i've worked plenty of food service jobs, and most of you know my position on this hellish, terrible, dream destroying enterprise.

on a side note, i quit my job two weeks ago, and i have to tell you, unemployment is the way to go. i don't mean sitting on unemployment. i have some money saved up, and should be fine to not work for a couple of months. but right now, these past two weeks have been the longest i have not worked since i was thirteen. i've been thinking about that a lot recently too. i've been working a decade. i feel burnout and defeated. if you've ever seen kevin pollack act, just imagine him, but picture me. i walk around aimlessly, with slumped shoulders, sunken eyes, and zero energy. if i didn't know any better, i'd say i was dieing of terminal illness.

i don't want to be unemployed, but i can't come to terms with producing a product i don't care about, for a company i don't care about, for a customer i don't care about. when your whole life consists of these variables, you suddenly begin to realize your entire being is pointless. self-worth, self-esteem, self-(insert any defining word here), take those away for just one minute, because i'm not talking about those. i'm talking about your reason for being here, eating food, drinking water, and breathing air. and right now i can't come up with one good reason to keep persuing this direction.

a while back, i thought i found the solution to this. i was trying to determine what to do with the rest of my life. i thought that maybe i was thinking to far ahead. i felt i was being over-zealous about the whole thing. and instead i tried to answer the question of where i thought i saw myself in five years. i still can't answer that fucking question. i think it's pretty reasonable to try and answer that one. because it's a mere five years.

over new year's, i talked to my dad about some of this. i don't think anyone fully understands the extent of my confusion, simply because i don't know how to communicate it. in some ways i seem the same thing in my brothers, and i'm sure they feel the same way at time, but they certainly don't show it. scott is fairly confident in his decisions, and seems to be moving along. corey, working on a pilot's license, seems to have some direction. my dad told me stories about his carpet and furniture business with his brothers. and how that all went to hell. he told me of some of the things he did, younger than i, to keep the business running. and when it went under how he responded to those pressures. i haven't faced anything like that, but you can see how my dad is the way he is because of that. he's cautious with his money but not uptight. he knows how the world works.

one factor heavily influencing me is the degree mentality. i've always been taught and brought up that a degree was the only way to get ahead, or at least gurantee some security and stability. i've bought into alot of that. but i've also seen the polar opposite. those who have degrees, but cannot find anything worthwhile and work at applebees. i've seen far to much of that, not to wonder "will that be me?"

and so i escape, and continue to run, towards the things that bring me fulfillment. movies, videogames, steelers fucking football, starbucks, max and ermas. destinta theatres in bridgeville, miller lite, pinot noir, windows media center. i often wonder if i can find a way to make a living from these things.

are other people unhappy with their lives? as a journey to and from school every day, i see this mass transit of people sitting in traffic, or taking the elevator up and down, or getting on or off the bus, always heading to and fro, and i can't believe that this is the life these people accept. with a possibility of one hundred some years of life, how much of that is spent on the parkway in traffic? i sit for an hour and half each morning. i'm not going do the math, because it will just depress me more, but i can see a rough estimate in my head.

so when does the work part stop, and when does life become fulfilling? it's not about not working, it's simply about having some purpose in life, some direction, something to work for, and for me right now not working is the only way to accomplish that.


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